Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
