I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
operation harelip BJ is a go
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
