Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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