i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
