If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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