i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
