All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
