You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
