mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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