Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
