The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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