I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
