i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
