I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
