thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
