my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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