Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
