Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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