dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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