I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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