Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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