Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
