I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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