so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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