I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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