Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
