genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
