I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420