the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.