I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Semen is not good for contacts.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.