Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
