my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
