I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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