she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize