batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
