my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
