somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
