the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
