Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
