You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
