I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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