It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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