Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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