haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He? As in you personified your dick?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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