Plan B is the new Plan A
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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