was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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