...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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