I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
