Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
