The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
