If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
