Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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