Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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