I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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