$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
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Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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