you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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