Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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