Plan B is the new Plan A
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
