she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
