If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
